Bereavement, divorce, over-working or moving city, sudden loneliness can be brought on by a range of life events, both big and small. Maria Neuman explores the triggers and treatments for loneliness in modern life …
I inherited my mother’s innate curiosity and ability to chat to almost anybody, and on most days, a solid five-minute chinwag with a shop-owner or barista can charge my social battery as much as coffee with a friend. But, having moved to Dublin from LA less than a year ago, I have many a weekend where my diary is wide open. Am I fooling myself that sending memes to my faraway friends is a sufficient substitute for a proper catch-up? Does my dog really count as my best friend (he can’t be my emergency contact due to the lack of opposable thumbs required to call 112 if I trip down my stairs.)
Am I lonely?
According to an EU-wide study by the European Commission’s Joint Research Centre (JRC), published last year, Ireland scored highest on the loneliness scale, with over 20 per cent of respondents declaring themselves “lonely”. A recent research report by Irish Life found one in three adults describing themselves as “isolated” or “lonely”. A funny old state of affairs in the cheery land of a thousand welcomes.
“Loneliness is someone’s own perception of the quality and quantity of their relationships,” explains Mark Ward, PHD and Senior Research Fellow for The Irish Longitudinal Study on Ageing at Trinity College, Dublin. “That explains how you can have contradictions in a country like Ireland: we engage with people but those connections may not meet our expectation of what good relationships are.” That’s the tricky aspect of loneliness, it’s a nebulous concept that is essentially all in your head. (Except it’s also not. Research out of the US declared the physical effects of loneliness can have comparable consequences to smoking 15 cigarettes a day. Maybe the government needs to mandate group hugs as well that updated smoking ban?)
Sudden loneliness can be triggered by a life event. “Major life changes can influence our physical, mental, and social health – for better or for worse,” says Kasley Killam, author of The Art and Science of Connection: why social health is the missing key to living longer, healthier, and happier (HarperOne 2024). “Moving to a new city or country, a new job, becoming a parent, divorcing, and retiring, are a few examples.” Marketing manager Gillian, who recently moved from Dublin to Wicklow after a divorce, says the process left her incredibly lonely despite having good friends, extended family and two teenagers to look after. “It was the loneliest time of my life,” she says. “My first husband had passed away years before so I had been a single mum for many years, which is also a very lonely place, but this was different, because I felt like everything I had was suddenly taken away.” Gillian likens her loneliness to feeling like she was underwater. After two years of cognitive behavioural therapy and hypnotherapy, she finally surfaced.
Many of us don’t even realise we’re lonely until we talk to a complete stranger.
Bereavement is the other big trigger, but doesn’t necessarily lead to loneliness. Molly, a ceramicist from Cavan, lost her brother when she was in college, and her father 30 years later. The death of her brother left a much deeper scar. “A lot of us deal with death really badly and are afraid to approach someone who has lost someone. At the age of 21, my friend group literally shrivelled up because I couldn’t handle my bereavement and neither could my friends,” she says. While the death of a parent comes with its own emotional rollercoaster of emotions, when her father died, Molly, buoyed by a happy home life with her husband and son, didn’t feel as isolated. “You can be lonely if you’re not having meaningful connections and conversations, and I don’t lack those now,” she says.
The experts agree. Physical health is about your body, mental health is about your mind, social health is about your relationships. Wellbeing comes from meaningful connections and connections require work – actively nurturing bonds with family and friends, joining communities – in order for you to feel supported, valued, and loved.
Modern life doesn’t help. Mark Ward says heavy workloads, societal shifts and even small details like the customer service hotline being manned by a bot versus an actual human, only compound our lonely leanings. “It’s not always easy to just go and get a hobby,” he says. “You might be lonely simply because you work 80 hours a week, or have a two-hour commute.”
Interior designer Elizabeth moved home to Ireland with her husband and two teenage children after two decades of living abroad. While slotting into old friend groups seemed easy, she found some dynamics had changed. “The friends I made in my 20s are still my greatest friends, but now we’re all spread apart and I miss the fact that we’ll never all be together again in one place.” She also finds, with age, she has lost her formerly fearless nature. “I used to go out and chat and make contacts, whereas nowadays I putter away in my garden with the dog. It all just feels a bit flat.”
How do you know if you’re the person who just needs to put a little effort into your social health, versus someone who is prone to isolation and depression? Lisa Beattie Ferson, a psychotherapist with The Olive Branch, a counselling service in Dungannon, observes: “We all have those days when we just want to stay in bed, but when one day becomes four, ask yourself if it’s your choice to be alone or if you’re isolating.”
Beattie Ferson says if you are really feeling dark, reaching out to a friend or doctor is a vital first step. “I firmly believe everyone needs a little therapy at some stage of their life,” she says. “Think of it as meeting yourself, saying hello, and putting together all the pieces of your puzzle. Many of us don’t even realise we’re lonely until we talk to a complete stranger.”
Over the years, I have realised that casual connections can happen in random places. Experts say these important “micro communications” are essential to our social health.
While house-hunting recently, I spent many a Saturday morning standing hopefully outside a new listing with a group of other buoyant buyers. We would swap notes, share tips on different neighbourhoods, bond over miniscule second bedrooms and chuckle at misleading descriptions of complete gut-jobs (“ready for your personal touch”). I felt a sense of camaraderie with these strangers. I even exchanged numbers with a woman helping her son buy his first home who said I was welcome to text her any time if I had questions about the Irish buying process.
When I got home from that particular viewing, I called an old friend for a two-hour phone conversation before hunkering down to watch a re-run of Vera (a guilty pleasure). Definitely alone but not lonely.