“Going on holiday is the closest we’ve come to an afterlife, packing 20kg cases full of hopes and dreams and resortwear, bodies waxed/slimmed/mani-pedi’d, ready to be spirited away, leaving flawed selves and daily grind behind,” says Susan Zelouf …
Where do we go when we die? No one seems to know with any certainty, although most appear to have formed an opinion by the time it sinks in, we probably won’t live forever, at least not in this mortal coil. Religion offers a pick ‘n’ mix of hypotheses, from pie in the sky (make ours carrot cake) to the threat of damnation (a stick wielded to curb bad behaviour) alongside a variety of aprés la mort scenarios falling somewhere between heaven and hell, Galápagos and Graceland. No matter how aggrieved we may be with our lot, death’s finality is as inconceivable to conjure as the vastness of all eternity.
Going on holiday is the closest we’ve come to an afterlife, packing 20kg cases full of hopes and dreams and resortwear, bodies waxed/slimmed/mani-pedi’d, ready to be spirited away, leaving flawed selves and daily grind behind. As if deciding where to vacay isn’t quandary enough, we recently came across an Insta post that knocked the socks off our spa-buffed feet, a portfolio of images of a to-die-for hotel overlooking an impossibly blue sea, with dazzling mosaic floors, teal and blood-red lacquered dining room walls designed to stimulate every appetite, plush velvet armchairs offering sexy sanctuary from the smash of waves licking at the slick rocky promontory below. We pictured ourselves (looking a million bucks) in a scene from a Guadagnino film, sipping Negroni Sbagliatos, eschewing menus for “whatever Chef recommends.” Scrolling, credit card in hand, we search for the booking engine, vowing to scrimp and save, shunning splurges in exchange for a brief luxe escape. But turns out our dream destination was a tease, a cheat, fake views, an AI-generated Babylonian pleasure dome, unavailable at any price, high or low season. Trip AI’dvisor? What fresh hell is this?
“Make voyages! Attempt them…there’s nothing else.” Tennesse Williams
When it comes to the hereafter, it’s either Dante’s Inferno or, if you’ve managed not to offend too many people along the way, bows and flows of angel hair. Wherever we go when we go, many of us secretly pray it’ll have a five-star hotel vibe, with attentive staff and crisp white linens changed daily, breakfast in bed and a concierge assigned to cater to our every whim. If we must die, why not visualise our demise as we would a vision board, its purpose to manifest an enviable, Instaworthy beyond? Curate immortality as you would a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. Where would you choose to be spirited away to? Detail all the niceties – forever is a long time. Our own laundry list ranges from throwback pleasures like matching sets of monogrammed luggage to real maps (oh, the charm of getting lost) and postcards franked with exotic stamps, written by hand using a sterling silver pen. Give us lavish ocean liners and exotic train journeys that require dressing for dinner; flip flops and shorts are no-no’s. Presenting the foot is verboten, unless it’s a naughty bit of toe cleavage. No one aboard sports tattoos except the sailors. Dare to talk to strangers, trading witty repartee in lieu of stultifying smartphone texts. The soundtrack? A provocative playlist to mambo, weep and sing along to.
My otherworldly bucket list may look nothing like yours, which is the point. Go for broke; hell, where we’re going, someone else will be footing the bill. In June, get spirited away. Ask “Where to now, Saint Peter?” And don’t forget to show your scars. @susanzelouf
1. I’M RE-READING Highsmith’s ripping yarn before binge-watching the Netflix series, with Andrew Scott.
2. I’M GOLD-DIGGING in the sand in Valentino Resort 24.
3. I’M RESOMATING in lieu of burial. Consider an eco-alternative end-of-life choice: water cremation. www.purereflections.ie.
4. I’M SNEAKING off to Miami’s art-filled Faena Hotel, designed with help from filmmaker Baz Luhrmann.
5. I’M BARING a perfect pedicure in Dune London’s Loupe sandals, at Brown Thomas.
6. I’M TRAVELLING light (not) with the Steamline Luggage Sweetheart Stowaway set.
7. I’M GOING back to the future via a retro travel poster from PeraPrint at www.etsy.com.
8. I’M SMELLING rich and famous in Carthusia A’mmare, redolent of summers spent in Capri.
9. I’M SWINGING an Aspinal of London croc-embossed Hat Box bag. www.harrods.com.
10. I’M FOLLOWING my bliss in a made-in-Ireland silk Joy skirt, from Caroline Duffy Designs.
11. I’M FLAUNTING curves in Cult Gaia Resort 2024.
12. I’M VACAY-ING in decadent design destination www.castleelvira.com near Lecce, Puglia. Orgasmica!
13. I’M UNDERSTATING nails in Gucci’s Annabel Rose.
14. I’M POSING in René Caovilla crystal-embellished Cleo sandals.