Kate O’Brien’s new book, Un:Stuck, teaches parents and caregivers how to support teens to safely traverse a challenging phase in their lives …
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A question I often ask my teenage children is “What makes you feel most alive?” I know many young people today have lost connection with the essence of what it means to be fully alive, and this breaks my heart.
Having witnessed climate and financial crises, political extremism, mass shootings, pandemic shutdowns and the toxic and devastating impact of social media, among other life-changing issues, it is no surprise that many members of Gen Z (young people born between 1997 and 2012) face unprecedented levels of anxiety, depression, addiction and suicidality – diseases of despair, as they have been called. Loneliness is a factor. As social psychologist Sherry Turkle, PhD, author of Alone Together, writes: “Young people are more connected than ever, yet they are alone together. As we ratchet up the volume and velocity of our online communication, we set a pace that takes us away from each other.”
Young people are often not being taught how to deal with their fluctuating emotions until the consequences become extreme. Our collective emphasis on nurturing positive mental health has led many to believe that feeling down is grounds for serious concern. As adults we know that life isn’t perfect, and that pain and suffering are inevitable, and upset and disappointment are part of growing. We want to help our children better navigate a challenging phase of their lives. But what can we do?
A lot, in fact. Research and real-life experience show time and time again that given the right ongoing support, recovery from these diseases of despair that plague our youth is possible and indeed likely. I am a mother of three adolescent and young adult children, and a recent widow after losing my wonderful husband, the children’s dad, Michael, just one year ago. Witnessing firsthand how the past years have impacted my family’s wellbeing, I was feeling quite helpless, and the more I read about the turmoil in young people’s lives, the more I despaired.
“What young people want and need above all, is to feel seen, heard and understood.”
Then I read Standing at the Edge: Finding freedom where fear and courage meet, by Buddhist teacher Roshi Joan Halifax, and something inside me shifted with the words: “Take action from a place of strength rather than fragility.” I was very fragile and I knew this was not helping anyone, least of all myself.
Halifax describes fragile “edge states” as gateways to wider, richer internal and external landscapes: “If we willingly investigate our difficulties, we can fold them into a view of reality that is more courageous, inclusive, emergent and wise.” Over the years I have learnt that sitting in stillness for a few moments every morning helps me navigate the day ahead. When I do, I know I’m in the right place for receiving support and direction. This hidden power is in each of us, yet many of us have not felt inclined to access it. Please spend a few minutes in your own quiet space and visualise a world where you feel you have purpose and meaning – one where you feel optimistic and joyful for your own future, for that of your own children (if you have them) and the greater world. Sit with these feelings. Let them stay with you.
We know that young people today are angry and fearful and they know what they are angry about before they even know who they are. What if we, as parents, teachers and caregivers, were to truly listen, beyond the lip service we can be quick to offer? What if we took the time to really listen rather than immediately jumping to advice or “fixing”.
What young people want and need above all, is to feel seen, heard and understood. Often the greatest gift we can give is to show them that we are truly listening. Let’s imagine a world in which we stopped asking our children to choose a career where they can climb that ladder of success – and started asking them which challenges they wish to solve in the world. Just as ethical young activist Lea d’Auriol, founder of non-profit Oceanic Global, is doing. With a background rooted in loss, trauma, courage and self-discovery, she is rewriting storylines by empowering the leaders of tomorrow to turn their anger and despair into a clear vision for the future.
“One thing I wish someone had told me when I was on the cusp of adulthood, was that everything I needed to get through life was already within me.”
How about welcoming in a world that advocates a life of greater thriving, health and belonging – one that can help us all, young and old, renew our relationship with one another, with the Earth and with life itself? It is because these ways have been lost that we are lost.
Like us, our children are living too much in their heads. This new storyline offers fresh guidance to help break unhealthy patterns and nurture the resilience needed to navigate challenging times and the wisdom to ignite young people’s curiosity and nurture confidence, tenacity and a real sense of interconnectedness.
Today’s children and young adults are a new generation in a very different world to the one we grew up in. We need to help them be brave enough to pave their own way, excited yet somewhat fearful for their future. It’s up to us as parents and providers to let our teens know they are safe, and loved, and always will be, however that translates itself into the needs of a particular moment. One thing I wish someone had told me when I was on the cusp of adulthood was that everything I needed to get through my life – through my fears and selfdoubts – was already within me. Speaking to that 18-year-old me now, I reassure her that she doesn’t have to live up to her parents’ or anyone else’s expectations; she can make her own footprints in the sand. I remind her that happiness and “living her best life” are fleeting, but meaning and purpose are what matter. And most of all I tell her to tune into the whispers of her heart – as this new world needs her truth, her wildness and tenacity, now. And when she does discover that which makes her feel most alive (and she will), she must nurture it with the inner force and dogged determination that has got her older self to where she is now.

Un:Stuck: Helping Teens and Young People Flourish in an Age of Anxiety by Kate O’Brien (Sheldon Press, €21) is out now.
All Un:Stuck advances and 50 per cent of book royalties will be donated to Molly Ollys (www.mollyolly.co.uk), a charity created by Molly’s mum, Rachel Ollerenshaw, to support children with life-threatening illnesses and their families across the UK.
SEE MORE: Teen Wellbeing – Alone Together