If you’re starting over and need some relationship advice, read on. From avoiding toxic relationships, embracing self-love and rebuilding yourself from the inside out, three authors share their dating tips …
HOW TO FIND A SOULMATE, according to Rebecca Beattie
“The first thing I would always recommend is that if you have tried something before, and it didn’t work, then don’t keep expecting it to. That is how we get stuck in a cycle of toxic dating and disappointment. Think about ways you’ve looked for a soulmate in the past, and then do the opposite.
When my marriage ended, I was determined not to meet a new partner, as I wanted to do some inner work to make sure I wasn’t repeating old mistakes again. I took an inventory of my old relationships (there are lots of templates online for this) and discovered what the common themes were. Of course, the common theme in all my past relationships was me. I knew if I wanted to meet someone special, it was myself and my expectations that had to change.
That meant transforming how I related to relationships, and I worked on making myself whole again, first and foremost. I stopped looking for someone to ‘fill the gaps’ for me, and instead looked at ways I could be happy and fulfilled in my life alone. I discarded the dating apps, and instead chose to do the things I loved doing. Perhaps ask yourself, what makes you happy? What are your favourite activities? Then go out and do those things.
You often hear people say that when they stopped looking for love they found it. That was true for me too. I met my current partner – a lovely man, who is completely different to anyone I was with before – among a group of friends who met up every six weeks to celebrate the Wheel of the Year festivals.”
The Way Through the Woods by Rebecca Beattie is published by Elliott & Thompson on April 18.
BE MORE CARY GRANT, says The Secret Socialite
“The best dating advice I ever got was from one of the most handsome male movie stars of all time, Cary Grant. The epitome of charm and sophistication was born Archibald Leach. He came from a poor family; his mother was packed off to a mental institution when he was a young boy. When asked how he managed to go from a difficult working-class background to effortless elegance, Archie said he had to reinvent his entire persona. He pretended to be the person he wanted to be, until finally, he became the person he needed to be, and in so doing, he transformed himself into Hollywood’s hot new leading man.
I’m not a movie star, far from it, but when I started dating again after the end of an 18-year marriage, there were a few things about me that needed overhauling. Mostly, I had lost my self-confidence and I needed to get back out there as a single woman. It was both a daunting and an exciting prospect. I took a good hard look at myself and like the Bionic Woman, I decided I needed to rebuild myself from the inside out. It started from believing that I could find love again. That was the most important part, self-belief. Then I started to hone my exterior and I went to the gym five times a week. A helpful side effect to sculpting new abs was meeting nice, fit men.
I made a list of all the qualities I was looking for in a man: kind, caring, honest, generous, positive, fun, athletic, well-read, cultured, a lover of life… And then I set out to become the female counterpart to that man. Or at least, that was the goal. Thank you Cary, for inspiring my transformation.”
Naked in Mayfair by the Secret Socialite is published by Whitefox.
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, says Rosalind Moody
“Be very honest with yourself about where you are at and what you want. Have you healed enough to be open to dating at all, especially if you’ve got a history of toxic relationships? There’s no rush; come back to a regular self-love practice and you’ll know when you’re ready.
When swiping, you need a strong filtering process. Know what your dealbreakers are, such as if you want them to have or want kids or not, live nearby or not, or share similar interests to you, and lead with them. Even if they’re cute but the deal is broken, swipe left. This will save you precious time and energy – don’t be a magpie just for any good-looking guy. In terms of manifestation, you need to believe you are 100 per cent worthy of exactly the kind of guy you want, with no substitutions. A regular self-love affirmation practice will help you glow with so much confidence that you can’t not attract the exact guy you want.
If we have not healed enough from past toxic relationships, we tend to date people who intimidate us or impress us. We mistake our subsequent feeling of unworthiness for attraction, because that unworthy feeling is familiar to us. Toxic dating gives us the opposite of love and safety – it gives us anxiety. Get to know what your body classifies as a good or bad flag – does this guy give you a fuzzy heart, or a feeling of groundedness? Around good guys, I feel very calm and my heart lifts. Around bad boys, my stomach twists and my heart drops. We get so caught up in if they like us, but ask yourself: do you like yourself when you’re around them? Are you your best self, and are they? Do you see yourselves building an aligned life together?”
The Spark by Rosalind Moody will be published by September Publishing on April 18.