Soften the emotional, practical and financial impact of divorce …
When I got married at 30, I assumed it would be forever. Like so many marriages, it wasn’t, and just as it is for so many others, its ending devastated me. However, we were determined that we would go our separate ways with our heads held high and our friendship intact. It wasn’t easy, but we worked our split out between us, and while our hearts were a little battered, our finances were not. We both made a conscious decision not to invest our time, energy and – most crucially – money into approaching the division, well, divisively. All these years on, we remain on good terms, and I am able to look back on the years of our marriage with fondness and affection, grateful for all the good things it gave me.
I qualified as a solicitor in both Ireland and in England before I was married, and returned to the legal fold for a spell after my divorce. Increasingly, however, I felt that contracts and indemnities weren’t my future. While I knew that it might be financially ruinous – I had a good job in a great Dublin law firm – I hung up the suits, and started to paint. I won’t say the grass was always greener (there were many colours on that palette!), but it forced “Plan B” to explore. I don’t mean to sound all Gwyneth here, but the conscious transition to our new lives apart brought me to a place of peace and grounded optimism, and our lasting friendship made me grateful that we’d forged our own way through.
This isn’t always possible, I know. Our marriage was short (four years), and not having children took a lot of the sting out of the process for us. But whether there were children involved or not, it felt to me like I spent most of my 40s commiserating with one person after the next who was going through a brutal divorce. Irrespective of the amount of money involved, and the circumstances of the break-up, few came through feeling anything other than beaten up by the process. It was after yet another phone call, about ten years ago from a friend whose “amicable” break-up was now ricocheting through corrosive correspondence pingpong, that triggered something in me. He was nearly €20k down (as was she) and still apparently nowhere near the finish line. I found myself Googling: alternatives to acrimonious divorce? Before I knew it, I had signed up for a Family Mediation Course, which in turn brought me to study at the London Centre of Coaching, and from there to specialise in coaching for divorce.
So many people step into a divorce without any understanding of their family finances, or how they’re going to fund their future.
I recently dusted off my suits and returned to a family law firm in London. It was just a temporary role to understand how the system was currently working in practice. The first thing that struck me when I immersed myself in the world of law again was how out of date my suits were! The second was how much had changed in Family Law since my last exposure to it. Gone (or at least going – it takes time to change an entire system) was a process which engenders acrimonious battling in court between two sides; in its place were professionals pushing the potential within the system to keep couples, wherever possible, away from the courts. In England if you turn up at court in a divorce case without having meaningfully tried resolving issues in a more collaborative fashion, you’d better have a valid reason for doing so. This means showing a judge that you have “actively considered” the softer separating options (mediation primarily, but there are other welcome alternatives too) and are resorting to more adversarial options only as a last resort. Since 2024, “see you in court” doesn’t wash, and you need to have good reasons to end up there. Cases involving toxicity, abuse or financial smoke and mirrors will generally need the court’s strong arm of the law.
What I was also amazed to discover was that the changing landscape has enabled a new breed of quasi-professionals to emerge: specialists in family law retained by one or both parties to support and advise them, and help navigate the system. I refer to them as quasi-professionals; not because they don’t have qualifications or accreditations, but rather because they are not “professionals” as we might traditionally understand it. They are not practising lawyers, accountants or psychologists, although many do have those qualifications. Of particular interest to me were the divorce consultants I met, almost all of whom were qualified solicitors, and trained in divorce coaching and/or mediation. Those engaging them see the great benefit they bring to their divorce process: essentially a former lawyer, not charging lawyer’s fees, who provides emotional, legal and practical support during what is one of the most demanding periods of a client’s life.
In Ireland, statistics indicate that one in four marriages will end. In the UK, it’s closer to one in two.
As soon as I started researching it, I knew this was what I wanted to do; bringing empathy and emotional support to a client, as well as practical support and strategising in every stage of a divorce process. I want every person I knew going through a divorce to be able to come through it with their emotional, financial and mental health in the best shape possible. Primarily, I want parties in a divorce to know that it doesn’t have to be a boxing match or battle ground. With the right guidance, emotions can be managed and, most importantly, the high costs traditionally associated with divorce can be lowered.
Last year, my divorce consultancy The Breakup Bench was born. I chose the name because I wanted it to be a place of safety and shelter, I had my bench by the Thames where I figured out my way through and beyond divorce. I offer people considering, or in the middle of, a divorce a number of options, depending on the stage of marital breakup.
Understandably, some clients just want to rant – it’s a form of therapy for them. Unlike traditional therapists, however, I don’t just listen. My aim is progression: I hear your pain; now, what practical steps can we take to minimise that going forward? How can we improve things for tomorrow, next week and next month? How do you envision things next year?
Many clients have no idea what the process involves, so I take them through it step by step, and we work together to see how I can help. Can I help find them a suitable solicitor? Are they ready to engage? Would they like me at meetings? Oftentimes, arming them with a list of legal and procedural questions to ask, and teaching them the importance of sticking to legal matters, is enough. I love working with solicitors as it’s important that my client knows that we are all one team with the same goal. Sometimes, a solicitor will refer a client because they’re just too busy to be able to give the support the client needs. Great solicitors realise that it’s far more cost-effective for the client if I provide support!
I also often impress on clients the importance of getting their financial ducks in a row before getting bogged down in the legals. For many, this means navigating a job search; recently, I helped one client do her first CV in over 20 years, apply for a job, and do interview practice. I work with financial advisers too, and might need to refer a client, so that they can undertake proper post-divorce forecasting. This paves the way for informed and realistic negotiations between the parties. I do everything I can to support communication between the future-exes, where possible. The more parties can resolve directly between themselves, the less costly (emotionally and financially) it will be. THE GLOSS | Goodbody Investment Club offers firm financial advice on the topic at thegloss.ie/invest-in-you.
Alongside the financial implications, managing the fallout for children is the most important aspect.
Determining custody and financial provision can be the most acrimonious aspect of a divorce, and one where I most often recommend mediation. Mediation, much relied on in divorce proceedings in England, can adapt its structure depending on complexity. It’s gaining popularity in Ireland; in fact, solicitors are obliged to advise new divorce clients about the alternative to court-based actions. Notwithstanding this, people are still married (no pun intended) to the “old” way of doing things, and so mediation doesn’t take centre stage here. As a qualified mediator, I wholeheartedly recommend it to most clients; it’s a fantastic way of engaging in open communication and dialogue using an impartial third party, and has concrete advantages not only in negotiation outcomes, but also in speeding up the process and lowering costs. (Parties who agree on matters don’t need to pay lawyers to keep fighting over them!) I’m excited about the forthcoming establishment of the Mediation Council of Ireland to further develop its role in family cases.
I see clients – either individuals or couples – at every stage of the divorce proceedings, but the earlier I see them, the better. This enables us to form a strategy for the entire process, reducing unnecessary expenditure, and managing the emotional repercussions from the earliest stages. There are huge benefits no matter when clients come to me; even just one session gives a sense of taking control of what often feels like an out-of-control situation for them. By supporting clients in planning and executing the best divorce for them and their children, money (and sanity) can be preserved. The end of a marriage doesn’t need to be the end of your life as you know it. www.thebreakupbench.com
SEE MORE: Financial Planning After A Divorce