According to a recent survey one in three people have received a text from their ex during lockdown. I am one of them. In fact, I haven’t heard from one ex, I’ve heard from three. This global ex pandemic is not surprising. Historically, wars and the threat of imminent death have always acted as a powerful aphrodisiac (expect to see a spike in Capricorn babies later this year). With more time alone to think of past attachments, and a maelstrom of emotions to deal with (worry, fear, frustration) reconnecting with someone significant or known can superficially feel reassuring. This is further reinforced by Netflix, which is full of films with the implied, invisible subtitle The Way We Were.

Irish psychotherapist Anita Coghlan believes the reasons that an ex might reach out during this time are four-fold. These include “an existential need to attach and connect in order to cope with the isolation and fear many are experiencing during this crisis; genuine concern for a person who has occupied an important place in one’s life; the excitement and novelty factor, and finally a desire to escape from the stresses one’s current relationship is experiencing under lockdown.”

As the country went into lockdown six weeks ago, the first of my exes to surface was a silver fox I had been dating for two years in London. On moving back to Dublin our relationship petered out, a casualty of logistics rather than lack of love. The last time we were in contact he had just treated himself to a vintage Merc and a second home in Tuscany, necessitating extraordinary reserves of “love and light” to congratulate him. Mr Big’s text began with the disclaimer ”just a brief note, nothing more …” before asking after my health, family, job and much-loved dog. When I didn’t reply immediately, he followed up with an email. I kept my response brief and nothing further was received. Of course, the brain chatter didn’t conveniently end there. As a diversion from the actual news, I deconstructed his text and email with friends as if they contained more nuances than a Shakespearean sonnet. I filed our observations and symbolically got busy with deep cleaning everything in sight. I even bought a steam cleaner – was I trying to vaporise him along with any lingering bugs?

In week 4, up popped a request on LinkedIn which had Code Red/ Do Not Engage written all over it. It was 48 hours before the inevitable happened – I “connected”.  If the silver fox was Big, this was Aidan (for non SATC fans, the man I believe Carrie should have ended up with). He was an easy going, Kiwi medic with whom I had fallen in love when we were both at the beck and call of a high net worth couple. The role had little personal freedom  – in retrospect the perfect training for social isolation. His opening gambit was to surmise our former bosses were probably in their emergency bunker. (One of my many surreal tasks was to check that this was stocked on a weekly basis). He used to communicate in military acronyms and we both agreed life was most definitely FUBAR globally –  his jocular messages a diversion as the nation edged nervously towards “the peak”. He had joined a flying doctors team and I imagined him heroically saving lives hence, therefore rationalising his scattergun responses. (In reality he was probably stuck at some heliport playing Candy Crush). My last email is still in limbo. But he was ever thus. If past behaviour is indeed indicative of future behaviour, this will not be the last time I hear from him. As I swapped notes over virtual cocktails with other friends, we laughed about the frankly demeaning openers (“How u coping?” “It’s a weird old world”) we had received and deleted from exes. Ruefully we also acknowledged the rush of adrenalin, the collision of painful and pleasurable memories these texts evoked. 

Then in week 5, a former flirtation started following me on Instagram. Yes, I want more followers, but isn’t captioning hard enough without the ex-tra dimension? I haven’t followed him back. A small win (his account is private). Yet, these ghostly hauntings on social media can be upsetting. One friend celebrated her birthday in lockdown and related how her ex had resurfaced after a long absence prior to the big day “liking” several of her images but not on the day itself. The omission – conscious, careless or insensitive – rendered the birthday, like those of many others this year, null and void.

Tipperary-based psychotherapist and mentor Mike Candon believes the trick when dealing with these random types of contact is to be reflective, to go inwards.  “Lick old wounds, old loves and hates. Give space to heal, meditate on these significant figures from our life and achieve closure, rather than reach out.”

Oh that I had followed his advice! Full disclosure: I texted the Jack Berger of my ex trio several months ago, when the virus was first weaving its lethal tentacles around Europe and in particular Italy, where he lives. I was concerned about him and his family circle. In lieu of enquiring after my own situation he has flooded my WhatsApp with memes, links to articles and YouTube recommendations. Some are poignant – Google Japanese violinist Lena Yokoyama playing on top of the Maggiore hospital in Cremona, or the young guitarist playing Ennio Morricone from his rooftop terrace overlooking a deserted Piazza Navona, Rome –  but I’m under no illusion this contact is in anyway romantic. The upside? I’ve had a refresher course in Italian, so I can tick the quarantine language learning box. 

From a deeper psychological perspective, Candon might say my former relationship portrays classic codependency issues, especially the rescuer complex. 

“Right now during lock down and physical isolating (I refuse to call it social isolating) we all want to be rescued. You and your ex most likely had this codependent dynamic going on – either in a healthy, caring way or negative traumatising way. Part of our subliminal logic is we reach out to be soothed.” 

While friends might flatter with the old “one that got away” cliche, engaging in contact with former boyfriends or girlfriends opens yourself up to vulnerability with no awareness of the other person’s life. “Unprecedented” patience, poise and sometimes politeness is called for when exes get in touch at the best of times, in a pandemic it’s best to suspend disbelief. We are living in a bubble at the moment – one of unaccountable pain and grief for many. In the grander scheme of things, I believe contact with an ex should be viewed in the same way as on set relationships: DCOL (doesn’t count on location/lockdown).

S/He’s texted, What Next? Anita’s and Mike’s Tips 

1. Listen to your gut instinct. Coghlan urges, “Resist the romance drug to take the edge off the stress levels. If hearing from your ex causes you to feel a familiar pit in your stomach then listen to it.”
2. There is no obligation to be polite.Women particularly, can experience “good girl syndrome” says Coghlan and feel that not responding to contact is somehow rude.  “If you do feel a response is required, give short, to the point, closed answers. Don’t give information that invites more contact, don’t give open answers and respond in such a way that closes the conversation down. For example, “thank you for your thoughts. I’m doing well and wish you well in your future.”
3. Press pause before making contact yourself. Says Candon, “Get a coffee, take a few deep breaths, say no to another glass of wine, that’s a slippery slope. Think – why do I want to do this? What can be achieved? Have I done this before? Is there a pattern to me doing this? What are my needs rather than doing what my mind wants me to do. Ask what am I feeling.”
4. Journaling helps. Candon encourages clients to write about an ex rather than making contact. Use this time to resolve any hurt. 
5. Don’t muddy the waters. “If you are struggling with your own relationship under the strain of lockdown and your ex contacts you out of the blue, my advice is engaging with the ex is only going to muddy the waters,” says Coghlan. 
6. Remember lockdown won’t last forever. Acknowledge this is a transient time and give yourself a break. Everyone is finding this difficult to deal with, don’t expect that you should somehow be doing better. Post-quarantine are you going to be proud of how you behaved?

Need to Know: 

Mike and Anita are working on Skype and Zoom:

Mike Candon, MIAHIP Pyshcotherapist, Mentor and Adoption Counsellor, mike.candon@gmail.com: www.mikecandon.com 

Anita Coghlan BA MIACP Dip Humanistic and Integrative Psychotherapy, anitacoghlanpsychotherapy@gmail.com. 

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