Main featured image: Vince Vaughn and Jennifer Aniston in The Break-Up.

Grief comes in all shapes and sizes but one misconception about it is that grief can only relate to death, or as we say, the loss of a loved one. But the loss of a romantic relationship – and therefore a loved one – is an experience of grief that is largely overlooked. No one is immune to grief and the majority of people are not immune to breakups. So why do people pretend to be okay during the process? You are allowed to be sad.

The five stages of grief can apply to breakups; denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally, acceptance. Many of us will go through each of these stages as we navigate our way through the breakup process. At the end of the day it is a loss of a person from your life so why would the stages of loss be any different? Here is a brief outline of the stages of grief in relation to breakups and how you might experience them – but remember, there is no set way to go through a breakup, you may also find that you experience none of these feelings.

Denial

Being in denial that the relationship has come to an end, denial over the fact that your significant other has left, or being in denial over who takes responsibility for the breakup.

Anger

Resentment, bitterness, anger can bubble up during a breakup. Anger towards yourself, your significant other, external circumstances or a third party.

Bargaining

Attempting to make up or wanting to fix the relationship, pleading with the other to try again.

Depression

Depression can take over after allowing the feelings of loss to sink in. This can manifest in a decrease in motivation, a need to cry or sit in the sadness for a while.

Acceptance

Usually but not always, the last stage is where the reality of the situation has been processed, acceptance of the loss has occurred, heavy emotions have been felt and the thought of moving on begins.

But it’s not just enough to look at these stages and decide there are no nuances. Grief and breakups can have different effects depending on the circumstance. A breakup at age 16 can feel very different than a breakup at age 30, or at age 60. The 16-year-old can be stuck in the anger or depression stage as the emotions can feel more intense. While the 30-year-old could be struggling with the acceptance stage as they perhaps are not only grieving the loss of a partner but of a family, a future, a home – with that person at least. Then there’s the 60-year-old who could be lingering in the denial stage or the bargaining stage. Just like grief, the process can be very individual and this is made even more nuanced with the different stages of life.

Another important thing to note about these stages is that they do not necessarily appear in that order and some may occur more than once. Being aware of this can bring some relief to the rollercoaster process. Some people might jump straight to acceptance and then end up circling back to anger followed by depression, only to find themselves back at the acceptance stage. During this time it is important to trust the process and give yourself time to feel, deal and heal.

Here are some tips that may help during this tumultuous time:

Two weeks with no contact

No matter how well you may have ended a relationship, it is important to take some time apart to process and one beneficial way to do this is to lovingly establish a two-week communication ban. This can seem hard and cruel but it leaves space to feel the loss. It gives both parties a chance to catch up and process alone. This could mean no texting, no following on social media, no calls and no meet-ups.

Write lists

Get a notebook and start list making. Create a list of things to do that can only be done when single. Create another list of what you felt wasn’t great in the relationship, this cons list can help when feelings of missing the person surface. Write these lists so that they are easy to read through when you begin to feel sad or angry emotions.

Lean on friends and family

Letting friends and family know ahead of time that some extra communication and healthy distractions might be helpful for you. It can be beneficial to even ask a friend if you can text or ring them instead when you get the urge to contact your ex.

Book in a session with your therapist

Picture that age old cliche of someone post breakup booking in to get their hair done, cue drastic hair transformation. Now, picture instead a therapy appointment. Seeking support from a professional can help ease the tangled web of thoughts that may be occurring in your mind. Having an hour with someone to detangle and tease out negative thoughts can be the most proactive self-care tool you can try.

The power of a good routine

Keep a routine, no matter how basic. Having some form of consistency can do the world of good. Make sure to start your day with something that brings comfort such as a piping hot cup of coffee or tea, a meditation, a yoga flow or a workout. Make plans so there are some meet ups or events to look forward to.

The underrated yet crucial part to remember is that it’s okay to grieve after a breakup and to go through these stages. It’s okay to grieve the loss of someone who did the hurting, of not receiving closure or of a future that could have been. Grief is part of the human experience and the pain after a breakup is just as substantial as grieving the death of a loved one. A loss is a loss. There may be feelings of being weighed down by memories, pain in the chest area, longing and a lot of tears but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Grief is a part of healing and like any emotion, it will not feel intense forever. The toughest part of a breakup is giving time to process the loss but that is where the healing is.