In this context the word ‘solo’ is used to describe a person who is not partnered and does not have children, for whatever reason. I was introduced to the word solo by Trish Hafford-Letchfield who has done important work on ageing solo in the UK. Trish has been a mentor, teacher and friend in all my endeavours to learn about solo living.

My interest in living and ageing solo is both professional and personal. Professionally, I am a medical social worker and have spent most of my career working in a hospital setting. This taught me a lot about how living solo impacts on your health, wealth and wellbeing. At a personal level, I started to write about my solo life when I turned 40 (read more through this link). It was a time I felt lost, mainly because I believed having a partner and/or a child would anchor me in life. At 50, I remain single and childless/childfree/not parenting, however you want to describe it. The last decade has taught me that, though no life is without its ups and downs, living solo is not a lesser existence. I wish I knew that ten years ago. Here’s what I’ve learned through research, as well as the many conversations I’ve had with women (mainly women, though some men too).

Learning how to live solo in your 40s and beyond is a DIY exercise. Two life transitions dominate the private and public discourses on the middle phase of adulthood; partnering and/or parenting in different configurations. The life stages that accompany mature solohood, ie single status and having not had biological, adopted or step children, go largely undiscussed, unresearched and frankly ignored. Part of the reason I struggled so much in my 40s was because I couldn’t imagine a solo life. I just didn’t know anything about it. 

This is what I’ve learned in ten years. Some or none of this may be true for you. Living solo is not a one size fits all existence, so forgive the generalisations…

Whether chosen or unchosen, or something in between, finding a way to live solo is not always easy, but that’s kind of true of every life. I do think there’s something to be said for taking time to figure out how you are going to complete the picture of your life, or this phase of it. If you think of your solo life as a jigsaw, what pieces are currently missing? What can you do to find the pieces that will complete the picture?

Eileen Reilly.

Thinking back, the last ten years have given me three big jobs:

1 Finding meaning and purpose, a ‘something to do’

2 Figuring out relationships that work for you as a single person (developing and deepening your relationship networks), ie finding your people

3 Attending to the practicals: work, finances, housing, health and welfare for now and future.

I will expand on each of these three tasks in the hopes of helping any other 40-year-old solos who might be finding it difficult to navigate this terrain.

1 Finding Meaning

The question of finding a purpose for your life comes into sharper focus at a younger age for solos I suspect. Useful questions to ask are: What fires you up, gets you excited? Do you have an itch to make your mark in your job, or in your community? You don’t have to win the Nobel Prize or run ten marathons to experience the joy of living your purpose. I say this because sometimes solos feel they have to do something big to feel worthwhile. This drive to achieve can be fuelled by an underlying feeling of failure in your own eyes or in the eyes of others for not ‘achieving’ marriage or a family. Or you may have a belief that something big will fill the gap that might otherwise have been filled by a partner and/or parenting. So maybe a good starting point is to examine what feels like a worthwhile use of your time and talents. If you were doing that thing and nobody else knew about it, would it make you happy?

2 Finding your people and navigating relationships

Ten years ago, there was almost nothing written about, or for, mature solos. That is changing, albeit slowly. There are podcasts and online communities. If not having children is a cause of grief there are support forums and meet-ups you can attend. If choosing to remain childfree is for you, there are communities for that too. You can meet other people, online and in person by opening your laptop – that’s something you couldn’t have done ten years ago – and that’s great!

When you’re solo, long-standing friendships can run in two directions, thriving or diving. Understand that it’s probably not personal. It’s not you, and it’s not them either. Being on different trajectories can be hazardous for friendships. And not all survive. Many solos I’ve spoken to have felt left out or taken advantage of. Non-solo friends may perceive their solo friends have lots of time, so why wouldn’t they offer to babysit or be available for X,Y, Z. Common complaints from solos can be that you feel like you are doing all of the running. You can feel like a sitting duck for unsolicited platitudes, advice and sympathy. It can feel like they’ve moved on from their friendship with you and this can feel hurtful.

If your friends are coupled, you may feel or de facto be excluded from couples’ gatherings or get-togethers, and that’s not just in heteroland. It happens for LGBTs too. In ten years I’ve learned that it can be hard for friends and families to get it right. Their actions, or lack of them, may be caused by brain fog. They may be worried about upsetting you. They may not realise they are upsetting you by the things they say, do, don’t say, don’t do. You have choices around how you handle this. You can loosen the reigns for a while, or lower your expectations of them for now. You can also make new friends.

Seek other solos if you feel like the odd one out. Many find it triggering or isolating only being around friends with children and partners. Where do other solos gravitate to? Walking groups, meet-ups, volunteering, solo holidays (there is such a thing). Start your own group! Having solo contacts who are a few years older can really help. You don’t have to figure it all out by yourself. In the age of crushes, who’s going to be your solo crush? Who do you find inspiring? Who do you want to be like when you grow up?

That said, having a shared situation in common may not be enough to sustain a friendship. From being involved in various solo circles over the years, I know that this can be a painful lesson. You may find instant connections and a lifelong BFF, but from experience and talking to others, it can take a while and a bit of trial and error. I think this is especially true for women who join groups for involuntary childlessness. Don’t be disappointed, or take it personally, if you don’t find instant connections. Even loose or casual connections with others can balm the rougher edges; they can provide learning and affirming, a knowing you’re not alone. Even if you’ve little else in common, loose connections can get you through some sticky spots until you find more solid ground within you and around you to carry on.

Consider talking about your solo life. At the cultural level, solo living is privatised in a way that other kinds of living are not. We and those around us are not practiced in solo talk, beyond what you can do to Bumble or Tinder your way out of it. It’s not normalised and embedded in everyday talk in the way that other kinds of living or family stories are. It’s as if solo people don’t have personal lives and sometimes we, myself included, have conspired in the silencing. Conversations revolve around ‘safe’ subjects…like holidays, pets, or other people’s lives. Living solo has historically been stigmatised which partly explains the silence, but things we used to not talk about can be talked about now such as mental health, menopause and other formerly ‘taboo’ topics. Our laws have changed to reflect changing social mores and realities. Solos live rich personal lives filled with loves and losses, longing and belonging. We are in the stream of living, just like everyone else, so why keep your story to yourself?

Of course, you might still be trying to figure it out, in which case it may be wise to choose your counsel. You may experience uncertainty or grief for a life you hoped you’d be living by now. Those feelings can and will pass or lessen with time. A therapist, a good friend or reaching out to other solos can help you find your way through and past your grief. Books and podcasts on solo living are another great resource.

And you may be somebody who’s actively chosen to be solo and if you have I hope you write about it too. We need your stories, because a big part of how we make sense of our lives is through observing and listening to how other people made sense of theirs. Imagine any other common life event like having a child, getting a divorce, being bereaved, even getting a dog, there is no shortage of information and advice (much of it is publicly funded) to guide you through. Why is this not the case for people living solo? Solo lives, past a certain age, don’t get written about and this needs to change, immediately. There are no role models or mentors, no public discourse on solo living even though we are about a fifth of the 40+ population. The rise of solo living has been described as one of the greatest social phenomena of Developed Economies.

Let’s not be shy of the fact that there are significant upsides to living solo (with the caveat that these are dependent on other variables such as income and educational attainment). For instance, career progression (for women), leisure time, financial independence and the opportunity to develop life skills and self-reliance which serve well into older age.

Make peace with the uncertainty, the unknowing about what the future may or may not hold. Parenthood and or a partner may come your way if that’s what you want. It’s also true that you may eventually find yourself en famille and wish you could go back to being solo! This might sound like fiction, but I’ve heard it more than once. Don’t be cowed by the chorus in your own head or around you that ‘there’s still time’. Time is not the enemy. The real enemy is the fear, the not being able to imagine finding happiness in a different kind of life. But you’re not so unique that another kind of life couldn’t make you happy… Many of us, myself included, have been surprised and delighted by the joy of living solo. If others can do it, then it’s possible for you too.

3 Attending to the practicals

Work can be absorbing and fulfilling. It can be an important part of your identity, but it can swallow you up like quicksand if you haven’t found a way to fill the gaps. Research shows that solo people work longer hours and can sometimes be expected by employers to be more available for extra shifts or cover over holiday periods, because they ‘don’t have families’.

For this reason, committing to social activities that involve other people is not a bad idea as it’s too easy to slide out of a date with yourself. Take a long term view. What activities or interests will help you grow the friendships that will support you in the future. Getting a work-life balance requires conscious effort and time. Solos are not pulled out of work and into other relationships, in the same way that is true of others (the exception is carers of older relatives). Find ways to commit to people and activities outside work. In other words, create your own pull factor and this will help you get a better balance.

You are statistically more likely to be a carer if you are solo and solos also give a lot of time to unpaid caring work generally. Helping relationships can be rewarding and enriching. Many view living solo as a welcome opportunity to care for a loved one. However, many others feel a weight of expectation which they find difficult to sidestep as a solo person. If you can, take time to think it over before taking it on. If you take time off work, what implications will this have for your job, your pension, etc. If you’re the main carer for a family member, how can others contribute by sharing care or contributing financially? What supports can you avail of, like carers leave, carers allowance, respite for your loved one etc.

Ask yourself if you want to live alone or with others (if this is a choice available to you). Do you have the option to co-habit or live in shared accommodation? Could you think about locating to areas where you can be closer to people you love? Is where you’re living going to be fit for purpose as you get older, both in terms of the physical layout of your home and its proximity to people and services that will serve you well as you age. Developing relationships with younger relatives and friends can be helpful for when you get older and may need practical help. Research shows that the best time to start planning for later life is from your 40s, even though ‘old’ feels very far away.

Finally, deciding to live your solo life to the max does not mean that you cannot remain open to other wishes and possibilities. But embracing it does reduce the risk of wishing your life away.

If you would like to share your thoughts on this article or contact Eileen Reilly, please email letters@thegloss.ie. 

Eileen Reilly is a Senior Social Worker currently working in an acute medical setting. She has a research interest in the design of health and social care services for people who are ageing ‘solo’ (those with a single status who do not have children). She has co-authored research on the experience of women over 55 who are ageing solo in Ireland. She is single and lives alone. She does not have cats. Her spare room is rarely spare thanks to a large menagerie of friends and family on the run from their own domestic horrors.

Read Eileen’s piece: The Reality of Being 40, Single and Childfree through this link.