For many, Valentine’s brings mixed emotions, especially if you’re single or in an unhappy relationship. Here’s some expert advice and tips to see you through the day …
“First and foremost, remember that it’s just one day,” says psychotherapist Anita Coghlan. “It’s become such a focal point in the calendar primarily because of commercialisation. If not for that, it would have the same significance as any other saint’s day in the calendar. Many people feel more isolated and alone than ever, even those in relationships. You can grieve a relationship even when you’re in one if it’s not meeting your needs for connection.”
Coghlan’s biggest tip is to be kind to yourself. “We put so much importance on relationships and, as cliched as it sounds, the best relationship you can have is with yourself. Remind yourself that the process of finding the best relationship for you is through trial and error; relationships fail because they weren’t the right one. Just because you’re not with the right person now doesn’t mean you’re not worthy of love or will never find the right one, so avoid catastrophising. You may not be in a relationship on this particular day. That’s all you know to be true.”
Instead, today is the perfect occasion to have a date with yourself. Coghlan suggests cooking something special and doing whatever you need to create a sense of occasion to make yourself the highlight of your day.
Do: Contact friends who may find themselves in a similar situation.
Don’t: Contact an ex. Or even send him a cute meme, or post cryptic throwback photos on social media. Why? Because “A woman who lives in the past has no future.” This is now ingrained in my psyche (I’m even thinking of getting it embroidered on a T-shirt I feel so strongly the rectitude of this maxim).
Write: If you’re holding onto a relationship that’s over or no longer serves you, maybe take the opportunity to let it go. Create a ritual around this. Coghlan recommends writing a letter to your former lover, telling them what you need to release you both from the bind. “Burning the letter provides a powerful symbol to the subconscious to move on and let go of anything that formerly tied you to that person. Allow yourself to heal. Often, we hold on to the pain of a failed relationship because it allows us to still feel connected to the person, even if that connection is painful. Letting go can be scary, but if you don’t you stop the process of healing.”
Watch: Romantic films. What’s your favourite weepie? Some of mine include The Way We Were, The Notebook, Out of Africa and Miss Potter. Coghlan says, “Sometimes having a good cry, particularly with people with whom you feel safe, can help process the feelings of isolation, abandonment or rejection. Tapping vicariously into your emotions through film is a great way to feel what you’re feeling in a way that doesn’t overwhelm.” I’ll be watching a film this evening with Valentine’s treats from M&S.
Read: Julia Samuel’s peerless This Too Shall Pass which is full of stories of change, crisis and hopeful beginnings. Samuel is a therapist and grief counsellor who, despite all of the heartbreak she hears in her consulting rooms, believes that we can always survive and thrive.
Celebrate: Lunar New Year’s Year of the Horse. There are celebrations nationwide, from museum tours and films to tempting recipes you can find online for a Chinese feast. If you’re feeling creative and need to entertain the kids, drop in to National Gallery of Ireland‘s free creativity workshop led by artist Chun Zhu Wang, or book one of Hugh Lane Gallery‘s workshops during the week to have something to look forward to.
Paint: I love nothing more than musing over paint charts and believe in the transformative power of colour – on both walls and in your wardrobe. If you’re considering a spring update at home, think carefully about the colours you choose as they can have a positive contribution to your mood. Keith Byrne, CEO of Graphenstone Ireland, recommends green. “The colour of nature and new life, it’s the hopeful, primal colour we all need more of in our lives right now. Green can work in any room, and is so versatile from soft muted tones to bolder iterations.” The effect of green on human health has been shown to be instrumental in lowering blood pressure.
Plant: Some bulbs – I have found this a form of ongoing therapy – nurturing seeds and watching them bloom. Why not pick up some at Lidl, which always has a good selection? Now is the right time for planting galtonia or summer hyacinths, or some of the many varieties of agapanthus. Containers are ideal if you don’t have a border, making it far easier to provide them with winter protection by bringing under cover. Once the frost (and snow) have passed, move the pots outdoors to a warm, sunny position. As for herbs, grow some rosemary. It improves brain function, eases stress and decreases negativity.
Wear: Lippy. Even if you’re having a no make-up day, lipstick, tint or lip oil will perk you up immediately. I love the warming shades from Pippa O’Connor’s POCO collection available online and at Brown Thomas or Arnotts.
Use: Natural oils to boost your mood. I’m a firm believer in aromatherapy and have been using Neom’s “Great Day” oil on pulse points all week. Other equally effective alternatives include Aromatherapy Associates’ Revive roller ball in a stress busting blend of neroli and grapefruit essentials. Yogandha founder Sinead Duffy recommends citrus oils (as well as orange, bergamot or clary sage) that have a wonderfully positive impact on mood and mind. Some studies have shown they even help balance Seasonal Affective Disorder.
Sleep: Everything seems more heightened if your sleep pattern is disrupted. Mine has been variable with full and new moons. I’m testing Pureis Ultra Pure CBD by Chanelle McCoy Health. Studies have shown that taking CBD oil every morning has numerous benefits including reducing the symptoms of stress and anxiety, improving sleep, boosting immunity and reducing inflammation. Pureis was the first CBD food supplement in the UK and Ireland market to use FDA registered raw material and be clinically proven to be safe.
Make: Your own spa experience by whipping up a homemade face mask. Brown sugar and honey is good for exfoliation, while one made from oats and yoghurt is very soothing. Or you could consult a top facialist such as the brilliant face whisperer Beata Aleksandrowicz, who has masterclasses and meditations online. It’s impossible to get an appointment with her in real life, so her live face massage classes are on my list.
Look up: Finally, go outside tonight to see if you can spot Betelgeuse, the Valentine’s Day Star, which pulsates in size and brightness (and is located on the shoulder of Orion the Hunter). Some say it’s reminiscent of a beating heart. You might also be able to distinguish the bright orange star Aldebaran – “the Eye of the Bull, Taurus” – or the lovely star group called the Pleiades, or Seven Sisters. There are lots of other bright stars on view, such as Procyon and Capella, and Castor and Pollux, the Heavenly Twins in Gemini.
Main featured image: Spring Feeling ii etching by Siobhan Cuffe from SO Fine Art Editions.
SEE MORE: Lonely AF – Expert Tips To Beat Emotional Loneliness
