Coming home for Christmas? Spending a couple of days with some friends or extended family? This holiday period, THE GLOSS Editors have ensured that you will get invited back again…
Whether you’re coming home for Christmas to stay with family, or staying with friends for a few nights – being a good guest is an excellent quality to have and something that people NEVER forget. Or rather if you are a bad/stale* guest they will certainly never forget it. The objective, as a guest, is ultimately to be invited back. Different hosts have different styles, so it is important to anticipate what your host might appreciate in you as a guest. Of course, most importantly Christmas is a time for coming together with the people that you love, and your family and friends will be delighted to host you – but being a stale guest is something we can help you avoid!
*The Stale Guest
Taken from from Amy Osborne Vanderbilt’s (July 22, 1908 – December 27, 1974) American authority on etiquette, Vanderbilt’s Etiquette Guide: The Guests Who Won’t Go, The Obnoxious Guest, The Self-Invited Guest, Problem Drinkers.
Photographed by Michael Dwornick, styled by Luis Rodriguez for The Gloss Magazine.
The Perfect Guest
I have an English friend who comes to stay a couple of times a year. She is the perfect guest. On the day she departs, I always find myself wishing she could stay longer. As Anna Wintour’s PA for some years, she was trained to leave nothing to chance. From never expecting to be picked up from the airport (“I’m in the taxi, darling”) to the sincere thank you that arrives a few days after she departs, she could teach problematic guests a few things. I love the way she is neatly and perfectly packed, her tiny holdall still managing to fit the perfect shoes, a Uniqlo bodywarmer and a cashmere pashmina, ready for walks, a dinner out, anything. She brings the perfect gift: always a small handmade ceramic dish or bowl in a pretty colour. Again, she makes her presence felt but in the nicest of subtle ways.
As a host: Her visits have taught me the following: 1. A log fire and a glass of champagne are the perfect guest welcome. 2. As you cook, give your guest a job anyone can do, no matter their talent level: chopping, stirring or, my favourite, peeling grapes. 3. Best sheets and pillows, electric blanket, carafe of water by the bed; luxe treats in the bathroom. Hairdryer. Shower cap. Fabulous towels and a robe. 4. Offer a full Irish breakfast – no guest can resist, even the vegans. 5. Factor in something bracing – sea air, a stimulating exhibition or forest walk, so you can do the log fire and champagne thing all over again.
As a guest: 1. Always make your own way to your host’s house so they can be relaxed when you arrive. 2. Be enthusiastic, comfortable, complimentary. 3. Laugh at the husband’s/partner’s jokes. 4. Pet the dog. 5. Be ready to walk/talk/try something new. 6. Get up to pop on more toast. JMcD
The Entertainer
A relative of mine used to arrive every Christmas Eve, staggering under the weight of champagne bottles, which she would then proceed to pile into with gusto, while my mother sweated red-faced over the oven, gritting her teeth. At intervals, she would say, vaguely, “Need anything doing?”, while firmly ensconced on the sofa, glass in hand. The thing is, the relative was good enough company to get away with it, regaling us with stories, name-dropping like mad and flirting outrageously with all and sundry. And this is really the only way round being a lazy guest. If you can’t be helpful, then at least be entertaining.
As a host: Being a good host can be about letting your standards drop, too. Sometimes you have to choose between having relaxed guests, and an immaculate house. Try not to be the tense party host who spends the evening with bin bags and detergent in hand. Let your guests help stack the dishwasher, even if they don’t do it your way. Avoid bright overhead lights and use candles – you see less mess. It’s all about the company, not the tablescaping.
As a guest: 1. To be a good guest, just quietly do some washing up, and don’t make a big thing of it. 2. Don’t hog the bathroom. 3. Give your hosts space – get out for walks and collect the newspapers – and don’t overstay your welcome. 4. And when you finally leave, don’t leave a trail of belongings behind so they have to get posted to you, giving your hosts yet another job. 5. Bring books, flowers or a ton of cheese with you, and write a proper thank you letter afterwards – a text doesn’t really cut it when they’ve kept you warm and fed for days on end. SH
Photographed by Olivia Graham, styled by Luis Rodriguez for The Gloss Magazine.
The Difficult One
If you happen to be at a grand country house, chalet or villa for the holidays and there’s a Girl Friday, or other staff, do acknowledge them. I used to cater Christmas in a private villa for many years and it used to amaze me how some guests would act. There were those who made their food preferences and dislikes known as soon as they arrived and would give me a shopping list of items to source for breakfast, lunch and dinner, regardless of the menu the hostess had planned. Others would insist on having their cups heated before I served coffee or tea, while the most annoying habit was those who loved to watch as I assembled dishes and desserts and then requested recipes. Usually, it was those high maintenance guests who left without a backward glance or thank you much less a nominal tip. Remember there’s always a fine line between gossiping in the kitchen with staff and getting in the way! PMcC
Photographed by Elliston Lutz, styled by Luis Rodriguez for The Gloss Magazine.
Top Tips To Consider:
Do not arrive empty handed: It goes without saying you will have brought a food item (cheese and charcuterie is a good choice) and some wine or champagne for the fridge. Other thoughtful additions include new glossies to read by the fire, some books for swapping, a big box of chocolates to share, perhaps a game for the children, and plenty of ideas on where to go for day trips.
Bring your best self: Maybe it’s not been a great year personally, but don’t let your divorce/tax bill/bust up with your boyfriend dominate conversation or bring down the general mood.
Don’t ask for the WiFi code as soon as you come in the door: Yes, you may be running an international hedge fund, but giving the impression you have one eye on emails at all times is rude and disrespectful. Bringing your own chargers is also advisable.
Ask if there are any house rules: These might include leaving shoes in the boot room, switching off lights as you leave a room, keeping pets off the sofa and remembering if the host prefers loo lids up or down …
Don’t mention food allergies when you arrive: If you have certain dietary requirements, let the hostess know well in advance, rather than throwing her into a panic at the last minute.
Ditch the fasting regime: Don’t bang on about your success with the 14:10 fast. It’s Christmas – everyone else is on carbs and chocolates.
Have a conversation list in your back pocket: Save up your best anecdotes to share at the table. If stuck, there are plenty of royal scandals to get things going for example Letizia of Spain’s and Frederick of Denmark’s alleged affairs – who saw those coming?
Compliment the hostess: You are not a restaurant critic so there is no need for an in depth review of food served – showing gratitude that someone else is (finally!) doing the cooking is enough for us. Saying something nice about their home is also good manners.
Be a positive force in the house: your host lives there all the time, compliment it, their cooking and them – make their own house exciting. AMcD.
Bring a dressy outfit: It is always better to be more overdressed than underdressed – your host will feel respected and special. AMcD
Don’t touch the thermostat or say it’s cold: If you think you might be cold during a stay, bring some extra layers but don’t complain.
Offer to wash up or load the dishwasher: Get up immediately and volunteer to help. No one likes the guest who sits back and waits for others to do the chores. The same applies to taking out the trash, offering to clean and leaving the bathroom as you found it. The goal is to be helpful, rather than lazy or judgemental. If the house is not clean by your standards, then definitely don’t say anything.
Do make your bed: You have not checked into a boutique hotel, so don’t treat your friend’s home as one. No one wants to see their guest room, which has been hastily redecorated for your arrival, reduced to a Tracey Emin installation. On leaving, strip the bed and leave sheets and towels ready for the linen basket.
Know when to go to bed: Remember your hosts will probably want to do a quick tidy up last thing at night, or in the morning, so retire to bed in reasonable time, rather than being the last man standing.
Don’t get up before everyone else: See above. If you do get up, make sure you are decent. Bring a dressing gown.
Know when to go home: There’s an old saying that guests are like fish – they go off after three days. That’s the optimum time to stay at someone’s house but do be as independent as possible – have lunch out to take pressure off the hostess, offer to go buy the papers, take the kids to a play park, or bring back supplies for supper.
Don’t snoop! Assume the bathroom cabinet and all other communal shelves will have been carefully edited and cleaned prior to your arrival; all other areas should be off limits. Don’t have a nosey in the study, a peek through wardrobes or investigate rooms which have been barred. This rule also includes pretentious book snoops – who will make an assumption on the home’s IQ level from a brief sweep of the home library. Jilly Cooper = lightweight, Gore Vidal = intelligentsia.
Say thank you – in writing, preferably. Sending flowers, or some spring bulbs for planting is also a nice touch. If your hostess is a tablescape fanatic, gift Deeda Blair: Food, Flowers & Fantasy, Rizzoli, in which the noted New York ‘swan’ and party pro includes her hosting tips. If you’ve been invited to a grand country house where there is catering staff, leave a tip. PMcC