Bibliotherapist Bijal Shah shares how the healing power of reading can reignite romance…
Annette and David’s story is not uncommon. The birth of three kids in quick succession had completely changed their relationship, and with three boys aged seven, five and three, domesticity and practicality had got in the way of intimacy, excitement and desire. It was almost impossible to find time for romance.
The goal of our sessions was to find ways for them to reconnect with the feelings they might have experienced at the start of their relationship, so that they could remember why they fell in love with each other. Rather than ruminating on the festering issues, I wanted to focus on how they could feel better together in the present moment. Bibliotherapy was a natural fit, as they were both voracious readers.
As cheesy as it might be, a date-night book club was my key literary prescription. What better way to spend quality time together than by reading side by side and connecting over animated discussion? My challenge was finding something they would both enjoy. David was into non-fiction, particularly autobiography and business, as well as travel and nature writing. Some of his favourite books included Walter Isaacson’s Steve Jobs, Christopher Bell’s Churchill and the Dardanelles and Robert Macfarlane’s Underland. Annette loved literary fiction, as well as fantasy and historical fiction. Hilary Mantel’s Wolf Hall trilogy was the perfect confluence of her reading tastes. I instinctively reached for memoir. It offers a narrative structure, which would suit Annette, but also offers real-life detail, which would appeal to David. We arrived at Bernard D Brown’s epistolary memoir Dear Selma: A World War II Love Letter Romance. There’s something about reading the story of a couple falling in love that persuades us to try harder at our own relationships.
In between the weekly date-night book clubs, I suggested Annette and David write a letter to each other. Letter-writing is a creative bibliotherapy technique I use for addressing relationship issues due to the emotional intimacy it fosters between reader and writer. Letter-writing felt like the perfect way to reinject romance into Annette and David’s relationship and created anticipation for their upcoming date night.
The first thing was to work out their love languages using Gary Chapman’s The 5 Love Languages. Chapman believes we experience love in five different ways or “languages”: quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. I suggested they work out which ones were the most meaningful for both of them, and to focus on these love languages during their date night. So now they had not one book but two to discuss at their first date night the following Friday.
The second thing I asked them to do was to complete a set of literary questions (below) that can help to reignite dormant passion, as the sharing of self through the responses encourages feelings of closeness and intimacy.
Finally, I suggested something purely experimental. I wanted them to read love poems aloud to each other at some point mid-week. Reading poetry to our loved ones is a deeply romantic act, a bibliotherapy spell for romance.
When I caught up Annette and David a few weeks later, these simple habits had brought back some of the romance they had been missing and a renewed sense of connection. They continued the date-night book club and letter-writing, although they decided poetry reading wasn’t something they would do on a regular basis. And that’s the value of reading and reading together. It gives us the opportunity to find the love languages we need to express how much the other person means to us. Sharing an immersive experience that puts us both on the same page brings us closer, and letting ourselves be positively influenced by other people’s stories of love can help us rediscover our own.
Literary conversations starters to try:
1. What’s your favourite book from your childhood? Why?
2. What book should be mandatory reading for everyone?
3. What book has influenced you the most?
4. If you could host a literary dinner party, who would you invite and why?
5. If there is a book you would gift someone you love, what would it be and why?
6. What’s your favourite love story? Why? What draws you to this story?
7. What are the most interesting books you have read? What makes them so, in your opinion?
8. What are some of your reading aspirations?
9. Name a book that you haven’t read yet that you are really excited about reading.
10. Think of a friend who is in a difficult situation right now. What book(s) would you suggest they read?
11. Are there any hidden gems in your reading life? Little-known books that you wish more people knew about?
12. What gives your life meaning?
Adapted from: Bibliotherapy: The Healing Power of Reading by Bijal Shah, is published by Piatkus on February 15.