A View From The Jeep: Saturday, February 9

This week CONNIE is quite looking forward to Brextracting maximum profits from her own future import/export ventures …

Connie feels, like many others, that the looming reality of Brexit hardships are being fudged by the omnipresent media coverage that has absolutely nothing new to say. The chattering classes now automatically press their off button when the B-word is mentioned and resolutely close down all functions when habitual hysterical bleatings about the hard border begin. Though, like many on the SoCoDu reservation, she is experiencing the odd chilly shiver when it’s clear that even those seemingly marvellous young men, Leo and Simon, seem to be flailing about, quite rudderless. Perhaps there is actually something they know that we don’t. Nonetheless, what greater backdrop to her nefarious trading plans than obfuscating confusion and Connie is quite looking forward to Brextracting maximum profits from her own future import/export ventures.

Connie has researched the market and has gleaned from Mollie’s Anglo Trinity pals – all ex-public school of course – that their parents are very alarmed at the prospective lack of continental organic products for their mainly Mediterranean diet regimes.

Already she has Dora and her Filipina friends busily decanting Aldi olive oil into Ikea bottles with hand written ‘artisan’ style labels. She can practically taste the profits when these totally original products land at bucolic markets across the Irish Sea. She will be ploughing the profits straight into Land Rover Defenders for the home market, as scarcity and import regulations are creating a black tulip market for these farm cars in the leafier suburbs of SoCoDu.

Critical to her import/export business are transport channels and she is bracing herself to honey up to her rural farm connections. Quite the trial. The more she forays into this dark web, the more she is inclined to think that perhaps Trump’s wall is, in its own foul way, rather inspirational. She is of a mind to float the idea of building a wall around the Pale to create a wholly independent state. The government of which could charge extortionate entry fees to finance any shortfalls in the exchequer, though in truth the Gold Coast would have a magnificent budget surplus were it to retain its own revenues instead of subsidising most of the country. Perhaps Theresa May might follow this example and create the Republic of London and the two great capitals could have exclusive trade deals. Guinness for Burberry, Beef for Fortnum’s and loads of other swappies. What fun! Connie is feverishly manning the pumps on social media, sharing her future vision for a new union of nations. She anticipates an avalanche of support.

Pure Connie statesmanship.

@HonoraQuinn

Read previous instalments of A View From The Jeep …

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