A View From The Jeep: Saturday, January 19

Connie’s unusual retreat yields MIRACULOUS RESULTS

Connie has dealt with her weight crisis in an effective if decidedly unglamorous manner.  Unable to afford a purge in Thailand or even a hard bread roll at the nearest Mayr Clinic, she made do with the free alternative, Lough Derg, purgatory for sure, but frankly it’s rather startling what three days of black tea can do for one’s waistline.

She used the praytime for planning how to make shed loads of dosh and whether the inspiration was divine or otherwise, she is gleefully putting the finishing touches to her very own ‘Island Retreat – Meditation and Cleanse’ breaks. She is confident she can sell Lough Derg programmes to the overseas wellness brigade without anyone being the wiser… She’ll convince the Lough Derg admin that she is organising holy retreats and throw them the odd donation while charging the unsuspecting ‘penitents’ an eye watering fee, frankly the more austere the program the greater the traction amongst the spa tourist.

She is tempted to include in her web page a testimonial from an old pal who re-discovered her virginity while on pilgrimage to the fabled Lough and so could walk up the aisle in white to marry her excruciatingly conservative but stonkingly rich victim.

This fond memory inspires Connie to consider training as a priest or at least one of those Vicar types who can marry people, what a lark, though she would have to strenuously practice appearing vaguely sincere and desist from lecturing the couple on any shortcomings like revolting clothes or bad haircuts. She will make enquiries.

More pressingly this weekend she has to welcome home a forlorn Molly from the Trinners ski trip, the poor child’s phone was mis-appropriated and she is very upset to have been deprived of so many perfect photo ops for her Insta account. All that Moncler and Bogner gone to waste, heartbreaking really. On the upside, the poor mite did some actual skiing, and she had the better class of boys, ones who like her, have benefited from many years of expensive private lessons, entirely to herself, as the girls were far too busy styling themselves all day long for the après ski scene. Also Connie can possibly squeeze into the gear for her own upcoming ski break to a rather exclusive Verbier chalet. All the more reason to be grateful for her confinement on Lough Derg. Pure Connie pragmatism.


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