A View From The Jeep: Saturday, December 22

CONNIE’S CHRISTMAS PLANS are impeccable as one would expect, but her guest might cause some frizzon …

Connie gets quite exercised at all the fussing amongst her galpals about Christmas, is it really all necessary? She suspects that there is a secret masochistic enjoyment to all the eye rolling and grim faced martyrdom. Indeed, she has detected a certain froideur from the snakevine when she refuses to get excited about present buying in October for God’s sake and if she hears one more time the phrase ‘nearly there’ she will explode. Not exactly famous for an aversion to consumerism she is finding the competitive aggressive sport of grasping mountains of overpriced crap vaguely nauseating. How much fluffy shit does anyone need? How much sugar can a body take. Really, it’s all so very tasteless.

She on the other hand is exceedingly calm. In comparison to many of her other campaigns, Christmas is simple – décor, presents, food and looking fabulous. Piece of cake.

She knows her home is perfect, many years of employing the finest interior decorators and judicious January sales shopping at BT’s Christmas Grotto has left her well equipped to create a perfect illusion of effortless cosy tradition with a heavy touch of glamour.

Presents too are so easy, cash to the kids and staff, some recycled crap for Ruairi, charity donation commitments on behalf of the recipients for everyone else, haha, as if these will ever get payed.

She will as usual dispatch Dora to M&S at 4pm on the 24th, where the faithful servant will buy all the pre-prepared foods for the Xmas lunch at precisely half price. Easy peasy.

Most importantly she will positively glow as all her self-maintenance appointments are scheduled on an annual basis. So botox and fillers have been done precisely two weeks ago, the vampire facial and the radical peel 4 weeks ago and now she is 25/12 photo perfect. She hasn’t eaten anything except sashimi since August so the bodycon red sequined number will slide on effortlessly.

But her biggest coup of all involves inveigling her hot Brazilian hairdresser to stay for the week, he’s under the illusion that he’s being welcomed into a loving family for the holiday, fair exchange is no robbery and Connie feels she is getting the better end of the bargain as she will have fabulous hair every day and Santa only knows what other fringe benefits?  Merry Christmas to all!


Read previous instalments of A View From The Jeep …

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