A View From The Jeep: Saturday, January 26

With a parent-teacher meeting looming, Connie is FEELING THE HEAT

Connie is feeling grateful that January is nearly over, an unusual emotion for her, to be sure, but one she gathers is, along with “humble”, very au courant.  She has actually heard some of her galpals say they make “grateful lists” at bedtime to feel happier. She, on the other hand, uses this time to hone her deviant skills, and plot the demise of some of her more uppity frenemies. She can think of quite a few exceedingly grating Leaving Cert Matrons who could do with a good shredding.

Quite frankly the self-righteousness that permeates some of these women is intolerable, charging around their fiefdom of the school carpark like manic bulls, and yes, they are still driving their preciouses into school. Naturally, Connie brings Fionn in occasionally: how else is one to stay abreast of the all-important carpark gossip? And of course, it provides a marvellous opportunity to display one’s hardware – nothing beats swanning around Reception youthfully lithe in one’s LuluLemons dangling a 19D reg key from a diamond-freighted finger. Not that she can score on all those fronts, yet, for her car is still revoltingly out of date and she steadfastly resists Ruairi the Ruinator’s attempts to convince her that a Subaru is actually a jeep.

While the school carpark positively dazzles with bling cars, the LC Matrons have scant polish. Connie can spot them from a country mile – the harried expression, the hair gone to hell; make-up is clearly considered frivolous. These women make a Protestant-like virtue out of flat shoes and practical clothes, and instead invest all their time, money and energy in vicariously doing the Leaving Cert.

After all, it takes vigorous networking to uncover who is giving the best grinds, and this information is traded more furtively than the truth about the hard border. And it is dogged work securing exemptions from Irish, not to mind a slew of undeserved DARE points. They manage optimum nutrition, adequate exercise, purposeful environment, affirmative downtime and a few carefully curated social outings. The more dedicated LC Matron also diligently studies the curriculum to ensure the student, teachers and tutors are all on point. No wonder they all look so exhausted.

Connie wonders if she should be doing more to maximise Fionn’s chances and ponders arriving at the looming parent-teacher meeting looking like a committed Leaving Cert Matron.

Pure Connie black humour.


Read previous instalments of A View From The Jeep …

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