1

Email arrives, reminding you how you said you’d be delighted to accommodate Old Friend & Husband over the festive period. That was last Christmas, not a dicky bird since!

2

Survey the “pretend” guest room and order college-age children to take a black sack and tackle the cupboards full of old games, books and dress-up clothes.

3

Hoover up the sweet wrappers from behind the bed and make a note to wedge something under the fourth, castor-less corner. Raise the blinds to discover a drift of dust and the spare keys to the car.

4

Start on the family bathroom, replacing the greasy soap with a L’Occitane pump, hiding the talking weighing scales and the Viviscal shampoo for thinning hair and attacking the Cocoa Brown ring on the tub.

5

Laundry edit reveals no matching sheets, and pillowcases more Downtrodden Housewife than Oxford Don. Hope guests don’t insist on stripping the bed as they leave, revealing forlorn mattress cover.

6

Launch a search for the gift your visitor sent you for your wedding/anniversary/birthday and hanging/propping/placing it on the bedside table.

7

Remove Why Soccer Matters and replace with a few Virago classics and
a glossy book on gardens. Are reading glasses a bridge too far?

8

Channel bedrooms at Soho House, curating a tray with tin of cookies and decanter of sherry – to encourage lingering in room. Decide against putting out the freebie slippers.

9

The wild flowers you arranged are giving off a bit of a pong. Light a French Linen Water candle to transport all to Provence. Blow out candle in case they have allergies.

10

Replace 100-watt watt bulb with 24-watt Soft White.
They won’t be able to read but it looks so much better.