Watch out! CHRISTMAS DOS are crawling with ODD CREATURES, from predators to pussycats … What kind of PARTY ANIMAL are you?
Appearance: Tall, sleek, long-legged, with finely turned ankles and a haughty demeanour
Social status: Threatened Wears Twin-toed – sorry, toned –boots
Diet: Roots and shoots; paleo bars; the occasional chocolate protein ball
Runs: with: Other antelopes she met at Trinity
WLTM: After years of pursuit by fast men, she’s exhausted. If he’s not rich and nice, she’s not interested.
Appearance: Slim, handsome, with a powerful jaw; cold eyes behind “interesting” spectacles, Tom Ford or similar
Characteristic: Makes a nuisance of himself, cadging drinks, cigarettes, even women, snapping angrily when challenged
Attracted by: Splashing or other vigorous activity. If you are an enthusiastic dancer, keep eyes peeled
WLTM: A wealthy widow with an indoor pool.
Appearance: Goofy, with soft short hair and cuddly flanks
Social skill: Eagerness to please – and hand out canapés/pour bubbles
Drinks: Craft beers with silly names
Wears: An ironic T-shirt, vintage-style trainers, scented hair oil
Likes: Exploring, sniffing about groovy cities
Attractive to: A huge range of women, who just wish they could take him home
WLTM: Someone like his mum, but younger, obviously, with her own passport and vaccinations up-to-date.
The TABBY CAT
Appearance: Pleasant, nicely groomed, pretty in an unshowy way
Social status: Diplomacy and utter lack of ego
Survival tactic: Arrives early to get a comfortable spot on the sofa
Drinks: Cream liqueur, though she knows she should like something more au courant
Eats: Mackerel, she’s thrilled it’s in vogue again
Wears: Classic grey (she loves pattern) with a pearl collar
Accessorises with: a novel and sweet kitten heels
WLTM: She’s not bothered, the last lady she met was a real wildcat. She needs time to lick her wounds.
Appearance: Limber, leathery, thanks to a love of sunbathing
Characteristic: Furtive nature
Social skill: Sizing up the competition
Survival tactic: Retreats to the shade when the heat is on
Drinks: Sips Tanqueray 10 juniper gin – with a twist – to keep other snakes away
Wears: A slim-cut suit and dubious evening loafers
Party trick: Writhing on the dancefloor
WLTM: Mousy types, he swallows them whole.
Appearance: Lithe, glossy, with huge eyes and sharp white teeth
Sounds: High-pitched, excitable
Social skill: Proficient climber
Survival tactic: Excellent eyesight: she can tell a nutjob a mile off
Mode of escape: The zigzag dodge
Drinks: Midleton Bluebell Forest Irish whiskey
Wears: A cute dress with a snuggly fur
Hunts with: Other squirrels from similar postcodes
WLTM: A fleet outhalf or energetic financier with a nice penthouse and a view over the treetops.
Appearance: Different every day, depending on the influencer she’s under
Social skill: Total indescretion; great for gossip
Survival tactic: Versatility, self-deprecation, flakiness and sense of fun
Hunts with: She can’t remember, she has a friend here somewhere …
WLTM: She’s not sure, she’s still having a ball, she doesn’t need to decide now, does she?
Appearance: Broad-shouldered, with luxuriant French philosopher-style mane
Characteristic: Manly, moody, unpredictable
Social skill: Authority, assuredness
Survival tactic: Doesn’t need one; he rarely meets his match
Wears: Something understated: no need to flaunt his impeccable muscles, we know they’re there
WLTM: A gazelle: he’ll lend her his shearling coat and take her back to his den.
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