Is modern-day dating more about geography than chemistry? MARIANNE POWER thinks so. She packed her bags and found that her Celtic complexion and English humour made
her DATING GOLD DUST on the streets of San Francisco
Last February I was sent to LA for work. I was reporting on a Zumba convention, of all things, doing my best to keep up with 4,000 neon-clad dance instructors as they shimmied their way through the weekend.
I had a ball – such a ball that I decided not to take my flight home. For 90 days I travelled around the West Coast of America on an impromptu adventure. I took each day as it came – enjoying the American food, American weather and American hospitality. And by hospitality I mean men.
Never in my life have I had more advances from the opposite sex. For three months I could barely go for a coffee without a lovely man introducing himself to me. There was the Mexican philosopher in Big Sur, the Australian gem dealer in Santa Monica, the surfer-dude near San Fran, the artist in Vegas and the photographer in Portland, Oregon. I was taken to drive-ins, hot-springs, midnight walks and old-fashioned dinners.
In London I hardly ever get asked out and in Dublin it only happens at 2am when said man is so drunk he could be asking out a chair. In fact, since coming back from the US last May, I’ve had zero approaches from the opposite sex.
The combination of my British accent (adorable), Irish red hair (beautiful) and the American up-front approach to dating, meant that I was in demand. But this is not what my normal life is like. For most of my 36 years, spent in London and Dublin, I’ve been single. Terminally so. My relationships occur less frequently than the Olympics and are doing well if they hit the three-month mark.
In London I hardly ever get asked out and in Dublin it only happens at 2am when said man is so drunk he could be asking out a chair. In fact, since coming back from the US last May, I’ve had zero approaches from the opposite sex. My friends are unequivocal: “Go back – America obviously works for you. Don’t question it. Just do it.”
Could my singleness be a matter of geography? Is it possible to be “hot” in one city or country and near-invisible in another? Is modern-day dating about doing your research and then locating yourself correctly?
Tina Jones, 28, thinks so. She is an academic researcher and Sex and Love editor of Girl Gone International, a website aimed at female travellers. Originally from the States, Tina has travelled almost constantly in the last eight years, living in Spain, Italy, Croatia and Asia, but there are two countries in which she’s inundated with admirers.
In Athens waiters would pass me notes from men in the restaurant, telling me I’m beautiful. Things like this don’t happen to me back home in the States. I’d gone my whole life thinking I’m nothing special but in Greece I’m a catch.
“I can’t explain it but I’m hot in Greece,” she laughs. “I get so many men coming up to me it’s almost embarrassing. One night a sailor – who was absolutely gorgeous – got off his boat, walked straight up to me and told me that I was beautiful. He asked if I would be offended if he asked me for my number. In Athens waiters would pass me notes from men in the restaurant, telling me I’m beautiful. Things like this don’t happen to me back home in the States. I’d gone my whole life thinking I’m nothing special but in Greece I’m a catch. I guess to them my pale skin and blonde hair is exotic.”
Surprisingly, Tina did not get the same reaction in Spain or Italy – where the same colouring difference applied – but is a hit in another unlikely country. “I’m currently living in Scotland and the men seem to really like my accent. I play up to it,” she laughs. “I’ve been dating a lot.”
So, is the combination of a different accent and different appearance enough to make you gold dust on the dating market in other countries? Matchmaker Rochelle Peachey thinks so. She runs a dating site called I love your accent, which has 20,000 members from around the world. All are looking to find love in a different country.
The fact is that as a foreigner you can have an appeal in another country that you don’t have at home. Your looks, your accent, even the fact that you’ve got on a flight and have different stories to tell makes you glamorous and exciting to many people.
“In a dream world we’d fall in love with the person next door but it doesn’t always happen like that,” says Rochelle. “The fact is that as a foreigner you can have an appeal in another country that you don’t have at home. Your looks, your accent, even the fact that you’ve got on a flight and have different stories to tell makes you glamorous and exciting to many people.”
The site started twelve years ago when Rochelle was dividing her time between London and Florida where her husband works. “When I was in the States I’d get that classic line “I love your accent” all the time. I’d meet American men who’d ask if I knew any nice English girls and vice versa. When I got back to London my girlfriends would ask if I knew any nice American men,” says Rochelle.
And while her business has expanded it is mostly between Americans, English and Irish. “Americans cannot get enough of the Irish and English,” says Rochelle. “You can say almost anything with either accent and they’ll think you’re fantastic.”
In the States on the other hand red hair is considered beautiful. Jessica Chastain, Julianne Moore and Christina Hendricks are pin-ups. Brit actor Damien Lewis is a hunk over there in a way that he never was in his own country.
That was certainly my experience. I’ve never felt so witty as I did on the West Coast. Everything I said was greeted with a “You’re so funny …” And far from annoying, I found it fabulous. Another difference is how I was perceived, as a redhead. Although I’ve grown to love my hair over the years, men haven’t always. “Gingers” are not considered attractive in the UK – apparently it stems from Brits’ hatred of their ginger Viking invaders and
in Ireland it’s much less of an issue but is still the source of affectionate jokes.
In the States on the other hand red hair is considered beautiful. Jessica Chastain, Julianne Moore and Christina Hendricks are pin-ups. Brit actor Damien Lewis is a hunk over there in a way that he never was in his own country. So surely it makes sense for me to go where I’m considered most attractive? In fact if you do the research, you find that different nationalities like different things and it’s possible to fit in accordingly.
In a study by dating app Badoo, it was found French men like skinny women as opposed to Spain, Italy, the US and Brazil where an average size 12-14 is preferred. A study also found that French and Irish men favour blondes, while (perhaps surprisingly) British men claim to prefer brunettes.
So if you’re a skinny blonde, perhaps France is a good place to go. And if you’re a curvy blonde, perhaps staying at home is a good idea. There’s also a numbers game involved. Unwittingly on the West Coast of America I’d hit on an area where there are more single men than single women – many have moved out to work in Silicon Valley or for the outdoor lifestyle.
On the East Coast it’s a different story. New York is 53 per cent female and 47 per cent male and to quote one friend, “They’re all players or gay”. In fact, a recent story in the New York press said that New York women were travelling out to the suburbs at the weekends to meet more down-to-earth guys. I read another piece recently
in which a woman admitted “It may be sunny in LA, but it’s raining men in Denver”. She relocated to Denver because all the men in LA were married or gay. Now she’s out dating every night.
It’s also a country where the local men are not backward about coming forward. They’ll come up and ask for your number as quickly as they’d say hello. It was the same in America where men would come up to you in coffee shops, supermarkets, even on street corners and ask you out – no big deal.
In an extensive survey of 7,000 expats, called Expat Explorer, conducted by HSBC bank, Brazil came out as the country where people are most likely to find love and a lifelong partner once they’d moved there. They did not evaluate the whys and hows but it makes sense that Brazil is thriving for singletons right now. It’s a booming country preparing for the Olympics, with thousands of expats moving there to work.
It’s also a country where the local men are not backward about coming forward. They’ll come up and ask for your number as quickly as they’d say hello. It was the same in America where men would come up to you in coffee shops, supermarkets, even on street corners and ask you out – no big deal. In the UK men are notoriously reserved and in Ireland they’re very friendly but have to be very drunk in order to go that extra step and make a date.
“It’s true that Irish men are not full of confidence,” agrees Avril Mulcahy, a Dublin-based matchmaker. “They’re quite reserved and poor at making eye contact. They find it hard to break away from their group of lads. I ran dating events in Australia – the guys there are completely different. They would ask any girl out, almost to the point where it becomes tacky. They would approach a group of girls without thinking about it.”
When we are abroad we are more open to different experiences and, most importantly, to different people. We are not judging as much as we might usually. In Dublin, even the bar you’re sitting in tells people the kind of person you are and we have set ideas about the kind of man we want.
So should we all be booking our flights to California or Melbourne? Not according to Avril. “There are loads of available guys here – we just need to change our attitude. You didn’t just meet guys in America because they liked your hair and accent – you would have been more open than you are at home. When we are abroad we are more open to different experiences and, most importantly, to different people. We are not judging as much as we might usually. In Dublin, even the bar you’re sitting in tells people the kind of person you are and we have set ideas about the kind of man we want. We’re not like that when we’re travelling.”
That’s true. On my impromptu adventure I was happy to chat to anyone – male, female, young, old. I wasn’t sizing them up as potential boyfriend material and getting uptight about whether they liked me or not. I just wanted fun and I got it.
Try spending more time on your own. When we’re away we are often on our own and so easier to approach. If you’re meeting a friend, go into a café 20 minutes early, and be on your own.
But Avril says it’s easy to recreate that attitude at home. “It’s possible to act like a tourist at home,” says Avril. “Try spending more time on your own. When we’re away we are often on our own and so easier to approach. If you’re meeting a friend, go into a café 20 minutes early, and be on your own. Don’t look at your phone or put your head in a paper, just be open to people and smile – even to guys who might not be your regular type. Go to places you don’t normally go to, do things you don’t normally do and meet people you wouldn’t normally meet. Join a sailing club, go to business seminars, and go away for a weekend in Galway – do anything, just keep your eyes open and talk to people.
“There’s absolutely no point spending Saturday night at your married friend’s house in Cabinteely when all the single men of the city are drinking in Ranelagh,” she says. “And I know so many women who sit in wine bars when the sports are on because they don’t like rugby, but go to the match! That’s where all the men are. I’ve been the only woman surrounded by men at the rugby or the GAA.”
So that’s it, until I save up enough for my flight back to the States, I’ll try to mix up my Dublin and London haunts. Fewer quiet nights in with married friends and more sporting events. Even if I haven’t got a clue which direction the ball is meant to be moving in.
It seems that dating is like property: it’s all about location, location, location.
This article appeared in a previous issue, for more features like this, don’t miss our March issue, out Saturday March 5.
Love THEGLOSS.ie? Sign up to our MAILING LIST now for a roundup of the latest fashion, beauty, interiors and entertaining news from THE GLOSS MAGAZINE’s daily dispatches.